Charles R. Hutson

The titles are usually easier than the text, but that is what I am thinking about this morning.  Its possible that I could live 20 years more before my time is done.  I don’t know and neither does anyone else, but I surely don’t want to wait that long.  I don’t want it to take that long.  I got my ‘wish’ last August, that I would have more time to work on writing.  I have more time now that I can devote to writing.  And I do that.  But many times I feel like I am spinning my wheels, especially so because I have not put out more “product”, in other words, more books.  That bothers me, and yet, I feel that my purpose does not lie simply in more product.  I get antsy now and then thinking that I would like to work on more..stories…more fiction and more fantasy and more teddy bears and wishes and such…but…I have another goal in mind at the present.

And I go to my place that questions…what the hell am I saying?  Who the hell do I think I am?  Even WHAT the hell do I think I am?  I don’t feel like I can really ‘come out’ about it until I DO have a full text to share.  I really don’t want other people to think I am delusional…crazy.  I do enough of that myself.  Leave it to me…I will keep doing that.  I will keep questioning my thoughts, my motives, my words, and everything else at least until I can put the whole thing out there.  Don’t judge me by a few thoughts.  Look at the whole…story…before you even think of calling me crazy.  Then…I will accept it.  I know it sounds crazy.  And I know it goes against everything we have been taught all of our lives…but MY GOD!…look what we humans have become!

I don’t think it is a coincidence that we have come to this point in American History where our president…is so questionable…to put it mildly.  I think worse, but I won’t go that far today.  This is about the bigger picture.  This is about ALL of humanity!  And how few really…consider all of humanity in anything they do.

I feel…that I need more help in this endeavor, but I think, that there is no earthly help for me.  I see glimpses…of…words out there that give me…confidence…that there are those out there who share my…thoughts, and feelings…but I think they are far and few between…and that I may never run into a single person who would not look at me like I’m crazy if I really told them what I’m thinking…and what I want to do.  That’s an awesome burden to not be able to share with any living person.  I wonder why I even post these words on this blog about feeling this way.  What if somebody really wants to talk to me about it?

The thing is though…that no one reads this blog.  I have not publicized it, and so there is no audience.  So I feel comfortable unloading on this site.  Its kind of like writing in my notebooks.  It lends me a degree of anonymity where I can truly say what I feel.  The problem comes in trying to pretend that I am just a normal person…and not a crazy, delusional, insane person.  I think, if I don’t share any of it until I am done, I will have not just a few crazy disjointed thoughts to put out there, but… that ever elusive complete product!  And there is part of the problem.  Work on this product is going slowly.  Too slowly for my peace of mind.  I am always being interrupted by the…niceties of human life.  Sharing…what is available of the rest of my life with family especially…but also with other relatively normal pursuits. Pretending that I am just another person and I don’t have this overwhelming job to do.

Makes me wonder if I can even publish this particular blog.  Perhaps I should consider keeping it in draft form.  What if someone reads it…and I am not ready to talk to them…I am not equipped to talk to them…I don’t have all my ducks in a row…I don’t have all my eyes dotted and my ts crossed…I don’t have all of my words strong enough to support themselves…and they will discourage me with…with…other lies we’ve been told…and I will question myself even more harshly…and have even more doubts…and never…get my job done???  What if?

I think…that I have time.  I must…have time!  I must…summon all the resources that I can manage…and get this done!  It’s not like I am looking to change the world…except that i really am.  But still I tell myself that its only one little thing.

And I’ll keep working on it.  I just don’t know how long it will take.  How long it will take me to…make myself…produce…enough that I feel like I am making a dent in it.  As yet, I don’t feel that.  Even now I feel that I am taking away from my time working on it by spending time writing this.  But I think…everything is part of the learning process.  And it seems my learning is still in the infant stage.  I need to get past that…to show that I am ready to be…the…tool..that gets the job done.

March 15, 2014–Been working a lot lately…since November…on a rental house that we picked up about a year and a half ago. I wasn’t really enthused about it because I could see that it needed a LOT of work. And, as I get older, I just get more reluctant to give up even more of my time to more work. i’ve been…feeling my life running out as I get older. I know, 62 doesn’t really sound that old, but its old for me. I’ve never been 62 before, and I know that when I was younger, I had a whole lot more years in front of me. Simple stuff I know, but I FEEL my time running low.
We talked about how long I thought I live this morning…Jodi and I… I said 83. It seems like maybe more than I really think it might be, but still a reasonable amount given that my father died at 73. She’s thinking maybe into my 90’s. I guess we’ll see, as life goes on who was closer to right. I wouldn’t mind the 90’s if was in really good health, but that seems like a lot to ask for. There really aren’t all that many people percentage wise who live into their 90’s in really good health.
But back to the house…and the work. Except for times we’ve spent with family, we’ve been pretty much working almost every evening and weekend on that house. it needed a lot more work than even i imagined. Anyway, I think maybe we are at maybe 90 percent or so now. I’m beginning to see the light at the end of this long tunnel of work. Then, maybe I can get back to some sort of writing routine. the one thing I’d like most of all to do is to get more books/stories ready to go this year…and then get them in Print on demand as well.
That’s what I really want to do with the time I have remaining in my life. I don’t want to be working on houses, and i really don’t want to be having to sell the bulk of my time
to do the other things I have to do to make a living. What I’d really like to do is to make a living writing. i’ve just got a lot of stuff I want to get into some form of print before my life runs out…or before I’m unable to do this writing…which could happen some day. Life doesn’t always go the way we think it should you know. That’s why i hate to waste the time I have doing work stuff. I would much prefer to be doing writing stuff, especially if I could make a living at it. Though writing comes hard some times, especially to focus on what you want to come out, it still doesn’t seem like work to me.
So many things I want to say.

Jo went down to Nashville TN this weekend to spend time with her two daughters, sister, and niece…leaving me alone for the weekend. And that’s fine. I can handle it. Except…I do feel alone. Sure, there are the animals…but…they are animals after all. I talk to them, but they don’t talk back. Maybe bark or purr or something but no talk at all. And all the routines that we have all but perfected since my retirement…are not there this weekend. I have parts of those routines, but they are pretty one sided. It’s like trying to play ping pong with no one on the other side of the table…ha, ha.

So, I notice the empty spaces. The empty spots in my routine. Only make enough coffee for myself on these three mornings. Half the pot is…empty. I’m all alone in bed at night. Half the bed is…empty. I go about my routines and use my portions of the house that I spend most of my time in. But half the house is…empty. I am alone here in the half empty house.

I try to use my time to do the things I like to do most…but except for the honey-do jobs, I have been doing that a lot of the time anyway. There is no ‘benefit’ to having her away from the house unless I NEED that…empty. I don’t. This house is big enough for both of us to peacefully co-exist. The alone is very strange to me…but makes me think.

I know its not really like one would have if their spouse died…but it makes me think about it. How do people make that change…especially after how many ever years they spend together? We, like a lot of long time couples, don’t really spend much time apart. Maybe a day now and then. And maybe occasionally a night. But we have not spent three nights apart in a long, long time…if ever. I don’t remember having spent that long apart. I think that if the alone was going to be permanent…and seemingly endless…as it will be when one’s spouse passes, one would have to change things. Make different routines that no longer included the other so that you didn’t have to FEEL that emptiness…that aloneness…so deeply…at every turn.

And it is inevitable…that one of us…will HAVE to feel this feeling on that permanent…and seemingly endless basis at some point in our lives! One of us…will die first!

It is no real comfort to me that I will probably be that one. I am the man, and I am 8 years older, and the man usually dies first most of the time anyway. But that is no comfort to me. I really don’t want her to have to feel that emptiness permanently. If someone had to to it…to go thru this feeling alone for the rest of their life…I would rather it be me.

She is down in Nashville this weekend with family…quite a few of them. There will be no time for her to be alone. I really don’t know how she would handle this end of it. Sure, I know she could…and would…but I would not want her to suffer for it. And that is what that permanent thing will be, I think…suffering. I don’t like that. I have spent my life trying to make her feel more at ease in this world…and less alone. And then I would go and leave her to it!!! I don’t like that.

Just about every experience I have…gets me to thinking. And this experience…has me thinking about that…leaving her alone some day. And there is no changing that, without both of us dying at the same time. And that of course is a long shot. And I wouldn’t like that either…leaving our kids behind with no parents at all…all at once!

There is no fixing that either. We are all going to die some time. Most people, most of the time, don’t even want to think about it…let alone talk about it.

I break every few sentences and throw my head into my hands and rub my face as if trying to rub it all away. I know better.

She won’t be home again tonight. For two nights now I’ve gone to bed without her. For two mornings I awakened without her here. One more night…one more morning.

Tomorrow I get up early and go to babysit the grandkids. It will be a change of routine from these last two days of hanging around home and making my own decisions about what I will do without regard for anyone else…without having my wife here to include in those decisions. By tomorrow afternoon, she’ll be back home and we will be back into those routines where both of us are one half of the equation every day. Though I like quiet time some times…I don’t like the alone…the empty. And I don’t like to think about that in her future…or even mine for that matter.

I like to think that this weekend has got me at least just a little bit more able to empathize with what she may face in that future. Perhaps I can’t change what will happen after I’m gone…but maybe I can somehow make things better while I am still here….even though that is only a small comfort. I think I shall carry these thoughts with me now…about this alone feeling and the emptiness…for better or worse…