The titles are usually easier than the text, but that is what I am thinking about this morning. Its possible that I could live 20 years more before my time is done. I don’t know and neither does anyone else, but I surely don’t want to wait that long. I don’t want it to take that long. I got my ‘wish’ last August, that I would have more time to work on writing. I have more time now that I can devote to writing. And I do that. But many times I feel like I am spinning my wheels, especially so because I have not put out more “product”, in other words, more books. That bothers me, and yet, I feel that my purpose does not lie simply in more product. I get antsy now and then thinking that I would like to work on more..stories…more fiction and more fantasy and more teddy bears and wishes and such…but…I have another goal in mind at the present.
And I go to my place that questions…what the hell am I saying? Who the hell do I think I am? Even WHAT the hell do I think I am? I don’t feel like I can really ‘come out’ about it until I DO have a full text to share. I really don’t want other people to think I am delusional…crazy. I do enough of that myself. Leave it to me…I will keep doing that. I will keep questioning my thoughts, my motives, my words, and everything else at least until I can put the whole thing out there. Don’t judge me by a few thoughts. Look at the whole…story…before you even think of calling me crazy. Then…I will accept it. I know it sounds crazy. And I know it goes against everything we have been taught all of our lives…but MY GOD!…look what we humans have become!
I don’t think it is a coincidence that we have come to this point in American History where our president…is so questionable…to put it mildly. I think worse, but I won’t go that far today. This is about the bigger picture. This is about ALL of humanity! And how few really…consider all of humanity in anything they do.
I feel…that I need more help in this endeavor, but I think, that there is no earthly help for me. I see glimpses…of…words out there that give me…confidence…that there are those out there who share my…thoughts, and feelings…but I think they are far and few between…and that I may never run into a single person who would not look at me like I’m crazy if I really told them what I’m thinking…and what I want to do. That’s an awesome burden to not be able to share with any living person. I wonder why I even post these words on this blog about feeling this way. What if somebody really wants to talk to me about it?
The thing is though…that no one reads this blog. I have not publicized it, and so there is no audience. So I feel comfortable unloading on this site. Its kind of like writing in my notebooks. It lends me a degree of anonymity where I can truly say what I feel. The problem comes in trying to pretend that I am just a normal person…and not a crazy, delusional, insane person. I think, if I don’t share any of it until I am done, I will have not just a few crazy disjointed thoughts to put out there, but… that ever elusive complete product! And there is part of the problem. Work on this product is going slowly. Too slowly for my peace of mind. I am always being interrupted by the…niceties of human life. Sharing…what is available of the rest of my life with family especially…but also with other relatively normal pursuits. Pretending that I am just another person and I don’t have this overwhelming job to do.
Makes me wonder if I can even publish this particular blog. Perhaps I should consider keeping it in draft form. What if someone reads it…and I am not ready to talk to them…I am not equipped to talk to them…I don’t have all my ducks in a row…I don’t have all my eyes dotted and my ts crossed…I don’t have all of my words strong enough to support themselves…and they will discourage me with…with…other lies we’ve been told…and I will question myself even more harshly…and have even more doubts…and never…get my job done??? What if?
I think…that I have time. I must…have time! I must…summon all the resources that I can manage…and get this done! It’s not like I am looking to change the world…except that i really am. But still I tell myself that its only one little thing.
And I’ll keep working on it. I just don’t know how long it will take. How long it will take me to…make myself…produce…enough that I feel like I am making a dent in it. As yet, I don’t feel that. Even now I feel that I am taking away from my time working on it by spending time writing this. But I think…everything is part of the learning process. And it seems my learning is still in the infant stage. I need to get past that…to show that I am ready to be…the…tool..that gets the job done.