Guilt

 

Got to do something a little different today.  Can’t seem to feel what is the proper way for me to go.  Feel myself pulled in so many directions by things I would like to do…things I need to do…things I ought to do…and things I’d really like to do.

Of course, when such thoughts as those come to me, I think I would be best doing something that I would really like to do.  However…and there’s always a however in life as Frank and the Gang say…however, those other things still pull on me, especially with guilt.  Guilt!

Guilt.  Perhaps one of the strongest motivating factors in our lives.  Everything seems to be built around guilt.  This is not at all where I saw this going.  But then, maybe it is what I’m feeling…and coming here then is the true way to go for me at this point in time.

I want to do so much more!  But…I’m just not sure what is the most important thing to be doing.  I do like the idea of doing what I really would like to do because it seems there ought to be a point in our lives that we can do that without guilt.  But that is exactly what I feel!  I think I would really like to pick up my art supplies and doodle around with my colors and create another product that I like.  But…my guilt says that I am being frivolous with my time if I spend it playing with art!  That my art is “just” a leisure time activity that I should do after I am done with the more important things that I need to do with my time.

The thing is…what is the important thing that I should be doing?  I really don’t know.  It’s like one of those puzzles that keeps coming back around, going in circles.  And so…the guilt.  The guilt that I should not waste my time, but I don’t know that anything I do is NOT wasting my time!

Except for family time.  I don’t care what guilt says about time I spend with family…my inner self has determined that this is not negotiable.  Family time has been determined to be one of the most important things for me to do with my time…if not THE most important!

It’s just all those other things that I have a hard time qualifying.  Writing?  Reading?  Relaxing?  Doing art?  Community service?  What?  What? What is the most important thing for me to be doing with my time?

Occasionally, I can set the guilt inside and…not really make a solid decision, but make a strong enough rationalization about whatever it is to not be swayed by guilt.  Like the Blood Drive for instance.  I have made up my mind that it will have a priority…above many of the other things I want to do…at least for those few days a year that I spend on it.  I have told myself that yes, I can spare that much time to do a “good” for the community at large, and even for the world!  A Blood Drive is a good thing and there are few that will ever say differently.

Then again, some things are not so cut and dried.  Like art!  I personally think that this time I spend on helping to put together the art project here in town, is also a good thing for the community and the world!  The world need art!  And little towns like ours have very little to offer to our citizens in the way of art.  But…there are those who would argue about art…that it is not really important.

And reading!  Books!  I think books and reading are important as well.  And children!  God…I think that the serious education of children is sorely neglected by…by…by probably most of the people of the world.  God if only we could truly educate them…instead of just filling them with information…

But, that brings me back to me.  How shall I spend my time?  Today we will go to a visitation for a part of her family that we barely know.  But I say…that’s family whether we see them often or not.  Family.

And even as I sit here thinking about these things, I am more and more ready…to spend some of my time on art. I have an itch today to play with some of my colors.  So much that has come and gone in my head with artistic thoughts in my brain…and I have not indulged them for far too long…

Today…some art.  Not even gonna proofread…just hit publish…

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