The Problem

Already June 26, 2017.  I’ve been away from the nursing home job for ten months now.  Just two months short of a year.  I have accomplished a lot, but not nearly as much as I would have liked to.  I’ve been writing, but I haven’t been able to really focus on the content of a new book.  I mean, I’ve written a lot about it in handwriting, but I haven’t formalized anything to print in chapter form such that it is ready to be part of a book.  I’ve also got a lot of material about my subject matter.  Maybe even enough to put in a book full of content.  But I just haven’t been able to pull the trigger on the individual chapters that will go together to make up the book.

So many times, like just a few minutes ago, as I start to put some in print, I find that its all still so rough.  And I fault myself for not having a better grasp on my material…at least in terms of trying to put it in writing clear enough that people will be able to understand it.  Maybe because I don’t really understand it all myself.

I feel like I will be attacking an institution.  Heck, that is what I will be doing.  And why!  Because…I know something needs to be done…and I don’t see or hear of anyone doing it.  Of course my old friend Doubt comes tapping me on the shoulder and say…”Who do you think you are?  Do you have any idea what you are doing?  Don’t you know that better men than you have made their case…and from the majority…they don’t support your…ideas.  Who DO you think you are?”

I’ve got a whole lot of stuff inside me struggling to find…first, a way out.  And then…an audience.  I need that audience.  If it doesn’t reach anybody it might just as well not exist.  If it doesn’t get out there somehow and touch some lives…it may disappear from existence.  I have to find a way to make it readable for the lowest common denominator of readers…and understandable to anyone they might share it with.  And I have to find a way to do all that…and then get it in to their hands.

Its hard enough to even give things away.  I picture myself standing on a busy corner in a city and handing out booklets to passers-by…only one in ten even accepting it…and maybe one in ten of those even opening the booklet.  A waste…again.  Don’t want it all to be wasted.

Haven’t even figured out exactly how to start it.  Every start so far fades away quickly in the face of any difficulty.  Sure, I don’t kid myself into believing that it would be universally accepted by any means.  And sure, I do dream…but always with my friend Doubt.  He does serve to keep me honest.

The real problem for me…is sneaking past Doubt while he’s I don’t know, maybe taking a nap.  Once in awhile, I can even get him to take a couple of days off.  But mostly he stays right beside me.  I need…I don’t know…maybe a butt kicking.  That might help.  But only for awhile of course.  Real motivation has to come from inside you…inside me.  Sometimes I feel…divinely…inspired!  But I wonder how common that is.  I’m sure I’m one of many.

I watched an…illusionist today on a video clip.  For whatever reason, my mind immediately went to the idea that he was some kind of …quite honestly…some kind of Jesus like character.  And I wondered if Jesus like characters come to us every now and then…and perform miracles…and we are too jaded to even realize it anymore.  Back in Biblical times, it was pretty rare for these characters to perform such…magical tricks…without them being proclaimed as miracles…or witchcraft or something of that nature.  These days…you can’t even believe what you see with your own eyes!  There are so many ways to manipulate reality to make it appear amazing, that its mostly a matter of “how does he do that?”, and knowing that its a trick.

So what if one of these illusionists was actually a Jesus character come down  from God to show us all a better way?  But this guy was just doing magic tricks.  And no sooner than I thought that, he did a trick where he had a girl pour endless fish out of a seemingly empty bucket…and a few segments later…he walked on water…    Jesus tricks for sure.  How does he do that?

I obviously don’t believe that he was/is a Jesus character come from God…but I thought about it.  Just a clever illusionist preying on human weaknesses.

Where does this lead me though?  I usually try to have some kind of point to my writing after a few hundred, or a few thousand words.  I break it up and call it a chapter when I have reached each point.  Maybe I’ve just got too much time on my hands and I don’t know what to do with it.  And I might think that except these thoughts have been inside me for years, and I know its time to try to get them out.  There can be no excuse…not even Doubt.  This time to think…and write…is a gift.  One I will never see again.  I need to do what it takes to break past all of the doubts inside me…and outside of me…and do the job!

Part of that, has to do with the subject matter of my…project…because…it could bring down the world on me.


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